There’s an opened bottle of barbecue sauce abandoned on my counter. A cutting board with shards of broccoli spears scattered across it. The pan I cooked the chicken in looks like something died in it. But in a way, it kind of did.
They’re all remnants of my latest failed cooking experiment.
I’ve never been much of a cook, despite my mom’s attempts with a Cooking Light subscription to turn me into one (sorry mom). I survive on a steady diet of quesadillas, soup and cereal. I can make a good salad if I’m feeling ambitious.
I have a collection of recipes I break out now and then to wow people. Stuff like potato and chicken soup in a crock pot. Or a really lame version of chicken curry. Or tortellini with cherry tomatoes, feta, spinach and sausage, which almost sounds reasonable.
I used to have a salmon recipe I cooked for a couple boyfriends in a row, but then someone called me out so I don’t cook it anymore.
It’s not that I don’t like cooking … well, it is. It wouldn’t be so bad if you could just leave once you took everything out of the fridge and come back to a steaming plate of food.
Or if it didn’t take more than four ingredients to make something good. Grocery shopping is enough of a chore without having to hunt down things like bok choy or coriander. I don’t know what either of those looks like in real life. It took me a couple tries to spell coriander.
A couple weekends ago I made my roommate grill cheese and tomato soup. I burnt the tomato soup.
I confessed after we finished eating, hoping she wouldn’t notice if I didn’t point it out. “I was wondering why it tasted like bacon,” she said.
Tonight I made a pulled chicken sandwich with broccoli. I don’t know if that’s even something people make.
I might have over defrosted the hamburger bun. I doused my broccoli in parmesan cheese. I shook the barbecue sauce over the chicken like a kid with a bottle of finger paint. By the time I mutilated the chicken with a fork, it was cold. I put it back on the stove, then flipped in onto the bun.
I almost burnt my tongue, which almost never happens thanks to a first-grade run in with a frosted electric pole.
All told, it took me about 12 minutes — roughly three minutes longer than my average dinner-preparation maximum.
Meh. I’m not sure those extra three minutes were worth it.
I turned to Glee, looking for a distraction.