I’m sitting at my desk staring at the numbers. They look dismal.
Still, for some reason lately God is urging me to tithe on my gross income. Since tithing became a habit, I’ve only been able to muster the net. He’s never bothered me about it before.
Now in the toughest month since I have given up a steady income, I suddenly feel God asking for more.
The timing is inconvenient.
God, if I tithe on the gross, I won’t be able to live on the remaining amount for next two and a half weeks, I reason with him.
God, this is crazy. Why now?
I’ve given you my job, my income, my life … What more do you want?
I want it all.
Somehow I don’t think we’re talking about just money anymore. The words from a worship song play at the fringes of my mind.
“You won’t relent until you have it all. My heart is Yours.”
I always thought those lyrics were a bit ironic. If your heart is His, why won’t He relent? I question the songwriter hypothetically.
Yet, now, I understand what it feels like to think you’re giving everything, then watch Him show the areas you are holding back.
I can’t this time, I tell him. Next time, I resolve, scrawling the information on the appropriate lines on the check. I hesitate with my pen over the amount box.
With tears rising to my eyes, I write out the gross amount.
I don’t like the moments when my lack of trust shines through, after he’s provided time and time again, sometimes in miraculous ways. Sometimes I wonder if He grows weary of me clinging to my independence and control. Yet even that question lacks understanding of His grace.
Each time I ask, as if He has never come through before, God please come through this time.
And each time, despite my doubt, He does. That’s what I cling to now.